just paper

"These incidents made the youth ponder. It was revealed to him that he had been a barbarian, a beast. He had fought like a pagan who defends his religion. Regarding it, he saw that it was fine, wild, and, in some ways, easy. He had been a tremendous figure, no doubt. By this struggle he has overcome obstacles which he has admitted to be mountains. they had fallen like paper peaks, and he was now what he called a hero. And he had not been aware of the process. He had slept and, awakening, found himself a knight." --The Red Badge of Courage

I find that I can relate to Henry Flemming (the youth) in this book. I feel, now more then ever, that my life is like a battle front. Barbaric, inhumane, struggling for survival, wearisome, wounded, and death in plain sight surrounding me.
I had my rifle at the ready at your funeral.
My head throbs and pulsates, reminding me of my wounds.
I move from front to front, and it all looks the same; death, dead, decay.
Yet, there is an origami sun in the sky,
eloquent clouds sewn into the soft blue mass,
water rippling in the same direction as always,
and the wind who faithfully combs my hair into tangles.

I do hope these Mountains before me will fall like paper peaks, I don't have will to fight those as well. So I'll throw little mustard seeds at them until they topple to the ground.
after all, they're just paper.

I miss
I want
I am needing
Oh, You are still good to me, Dad!!

I want to rest, and awake a victor!