I am a monster, yet He loves me

I tend to be a selfish person.

I am selfish when it comes to my time, my brother, food, sleep, conversation, friends, and much more. How easily I turn to my self every single day. At times, I see it. Mostly, I feed it. Those scarce moments when truth sheds the thick lie from my eyes, I see the way I really look. This disgusting fat monster that is on its own island of pleasure while the things that need help drown in the ocean surrounding me. It is a vivid and repulsive image.

Some of you might be thinking I see you help all the time, Kirsten. Yes even when I am helping it is still mostly due to my selfishness. I help only to prod myself, to make myself feel like a good person, or to make myself look good for other people. There are such rare occasions in which I actually serve for God, because I love Him and He told me to.

This truth about me is unnerving, to say the least. Not only is this selfishness at the expense of others in need around me, but it also takes the God I proclaim to worship off of His throne and me in it. I constantly serve myself. I am a glutton for pleasure. I worship the things that give me gratification.

I am, however, thankful for the things the Lord uses to reveal this to me and to convict me. He uses Love and sometimes art. He uses a woman with exceptional character. He uses His word and teachers. He uses my brother. I want to become more sensitive to my selfishness, it has grown into a natural thing for me. This is a feat that wont easily be won. In Christ the victory is mine. I will spend my life dying only to make Him more powerful in me.

I am not God! I will not be the Lord of my own life. I refuse to stay on this Island of pleasure and feed my massive stomach. I repent, Lord, for my wrong motives and disgusting habits. Teach me how to be selfless out of Love for you. Teach me humility that seeks after your heart and not mine. Father align my will with yours, that I will never do anything that doesn't please you. Father teach me a love that looks past my pleasure and my emotion. I choose to love you! I choose to be faithful to you! Thank you, beloved, for showing me truth. May I always love your truth more than my ignorance!

Kirsten